Just Call Me Ivy

We like watching t.v. at our house. Judge if you must, but we are not above mindless entertainment. Admittedly, I am a much worse offender than Ryan. He keeps his t.v. watching to sports and one or two shows that we can watch together. I have so many shows recorded every week, that I have to watch a few in secret before he sees them on our DVR list because I am embarrassed that I have stooped so low as to watch things like "Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars". Listen, there's enough serious things happening in the real world (does MTV still show that series? Because I will totally watch it!), so I choose to unwind by watching things that don't require me to think too hard.

 

As a loyal and devoted television fan, I have tried my fair share of cable companies. In Vegas, I cursed Cox Communications for having a monopoly on the area and being my only option. I bought and watched their product, but I did it begrudgingly. Then I moved to Iowa and signed on with Dish. My sister once had a now famous in our family run-in with Dish where, after a 45 minute call to resolve her initial problem, she eloquently told them where they could shove their satellite dish. Literally. The well trained Dish representative calmly told my sister that she had actually purchased the dish, so she could do whatever she wished with it, as it was technically her property. Spoiler alert: that conversation only got worse from there. So I probably should have learned from my sister's experience that they aren't the best company to do business with, but I am dumb, and signed on anyway.

 

Fast forward 6 weeks - I had paid for 2 months of service, yet had no actual television programming because after 3 service calls yielded different excuses why they couldn't install the dish, they stuck with "There's snow on the roof, and we can't install the dish until there is no snow." Well that's awfully convenient, because you can take my money when there's snow. Many calls later, I vowed that they would never get another dime of my money, and switched to their competitor. Seeing as how we are still with said competitor, and we are quickly running out of options of who to get service through since I could make holding a grudge an Olympic level event, I will be careful with my words. But they rhyme with "DIRECTV".

 

Overall, they are the least of the evils, but make no mistake about it, we have made a deal with the devil. Like any relationship, things were good in the beginning. Then after a few years, their initial promises of loyalty, fidelity, and discounts began to change to legally binding contracts, incorrect billing, and sorcery. They lured us into their den of trickery with free NFL Sunday ticket. Every game, every week, plus RedZone. It was the perfect concoction to get us lovedrunk on them. Basically, they roofied us. And it worked hook, line, and sinker. The next year, we handed over ungodly amounts of money in order to keep us in the football lifestyle to which we had become accustomed, and even added a St. Louis baseball package.

 

When Ryan and I first got married, I joined his existing bank and cell phone accounts, and somehow along the way, that made me the primary account holder. At our specific bank and cell phone provider, that means that he cannot access the accounts without my expressed, written permission, the blood of a virgin, and our first born. I, for one, thought it was all kind of hilarious, especially when we realized that my daily debit limit is over 10x higher than his. I joined his accounts, and somehow ended up as sole dictator of them. If that's not an accurate glimpse into marriage, nothing is. 

 

As we established earlier, television is far more important to me than it is to Ryan, so the tables were turned when I realized that his name is on the cable account. Since I am the one who pays most of the bills, he has no tangible benefit of being the sole proprietor of this account. Unlike our cell phone and banking companies, I as the secondary member of the household, can access our account. It just takes a million questions to verify that I am who I say I am. The irony of all of this to me is that 90% of the time when I call, I am doing so to make a payment, because they double debited our account one month when on auto-pay and they made me mad, so now I torture myself by having to pay by phone...really showed them on that one, didn't I? While we're on the subject, why do I have to be 'verified' to make a payment to the account I am calling about? Are there that many people calling and trying to pay our bill? And if there are, LET THEM!

 

Karma has settled the score, though, because I interact with our cable company far more often than any other place where we hold an account. After reciting my name, phone number, primary address, social security number, Ryan's name, phone number, social security number, email address, his mother's maiden name, and my relation to him, I was transferred to a manager and asked the exact same set of questions. Once I was asked for my name 3 more times, he asked if he could call me by my first name. I always say yes, but one of these days I am seriously going to demand that I be called Her Royal Highness, Princess of The Real Housewives. Anyway, this whole song and dance is pointless, because he called me 'Ivy'. You'd think they could make a little note of what my name is seeing as how I call every 30 days, but I choose my battles, people. 

 

Since I know that our account is flagged after the whole 'We have pulled ABC from our lineup and therefore Heidi has to wait 2 weeks to watch Grey's Anatomy online...WITH commercials' debacle, they also throw random discounts our way every time I call in. I am not proud to say that during that dark time in my life, I yelled at more than 1 customer service rep, cried to a supervisor, and used my mom's infamous "I am looking forward to hearing how you plan to make this right" line. That resulted in $10/month off for the inconvenience, $10/month off for being loyal customers, and $10/month off to stop crying. It doesn't take away the trauma of having to watch Grey's with commercials, but it helps. 

 

They have obviously figured out my soft spot, because every call goes in this exact order: automated voice, call center in India, annoyed lady named Denise, and sweet older lady with a Southern drawl. That drawl gets me every time. How can you be irritated when she's speaking slower than molasses while reciting to you how her 3 year old grandson explains the game of golf - "If the ball goes in the hole, they win, Gamma!"? I also learned that said 3 year old is an Auburn fan and is going to his first football game on Saturday with his dad and Grandpa. His mom was supposed to go, but she just had premature twins who were due October 16th, and they are still in the hospital so she has to be there to feed them because their hospital has something called 'care time' where moms of preemies can feed them if they want. Okay, so I didn't sell it all that well, but trust me, she was adorable, she gave me more discounts (Today's random win was $10/month off for having 3 receivers in the house), and she made me care significantly less that I had just spent 38 minutes of my day on the phone with the cable company answering to 'Ivy'.