Two days ago, Ryan left for the annual church camp that he helps put together every year. It is a 5 day camp for teenagers on a college campus a little over an hour away and still within state lines. I, however, sobbed like my husband was headed to Baghdad. Somewhere along the way, we have become the couple who spends all of our free time together (well, unless Ryan is exercising. I don’t believe in exercise and will go to great lengths to get out of it.), and the thought of being without him for 100+ hours broke my heart.
So after getting into my pajamas at 3pm and crying my eyes out, I decided that the pity party had to stop. He would be gone for five days. At church camp. In Iowa! I declared that I would not cry for the next week and instead, I would make a list of all of the things I was going to enjoy while he was away. After all, I was a strong, fiercely independent woman before I met Ryan and I found ways to entertain myself for 26 years before I ever knew he existed. This week is my opportunity to recapture my wild and free former life, and to do all of the fun things I can’t do when the Mr. is home. Here’s what I came up with:
- Eat cereal for dinner
- Hold the tv remote
- Feed the birds/squirrels in our yard
- Take a long, luxurious bath
- Get a kitten
- Mow the yard
- Watch movies
- Read a book
- Girls night out
- Go to bed by 10pm
This seemed like a great list to me – 10 things for 5 nights of singledom. Being the organizer that I am, I grouped the activities by night and formulated a plan:
Night #1: Eat cereal for dinner and hold the tv remote
Who doesn’t love a good bowl of cereal? And not the boring adult kind with any semblance of nutritional value, I’m talking about the good stuff. I have a sister who has an extreme couponing problem and therefore bought me 10 giant boxes of Cap’n Crunch, but who am I to question a gift? I’m going to pour myself a big bowl of crunchy yellow corn sugar, drown it in skim milk (I have to keep my hot bod somehow), and head downstairs to take on goal #2 for the evening. Once situated on the couch with my cereal and blanket, I will settle in for a night of forbidden pleasure. And then I will do it. I will hold the remote for the rest of the night – I’ll skim through the best stations (Bravo, TLC, OWN, Lifetime, and Style) and choose whatever my heart desires. And even if I do decide to set the remote down, I’ll still have total control over what show I watch. Yes, it will be a television dictatorship and I will be drunk with power!
Night #2: Feed the birds/squirrels in our yard and take a long, luxurious bubble bath
Even though I will still miss him terribly, I’m sure that by night #2, the fun activities I have planned for myself will be a great distraction. That night, I will get some food for my furry & feathered outdoor friends that Ryan is so adamantly against me feeding and I will spend hours on the deck appreciating nature. Then after the sun sets, I will draw up a steaming hot bath and fill it with delicious smelling bubbles. I’ll soak and relax and let all my troubles melt away.
Sounds wonderful, right? I thought so, too, until I remembered that all the wildlife in our neighborhood congregates at other houses where there is a steady supply of food, and also, I don’t really enjoy bubble baths. After about three minutes, I get hot, bubbles float up my nose, my fingers wrinkle, and I become mind numbingly bored. This is where the rest of my plan began to unravel…
Night #3: Get a kitten and mow the yard
I’ve always wanted a cat – they are low maintenance, self-sufficient, and in all honesty, I kind of appreciate their attitudes. Ryan has always said that if I ever bring one home, he is going to let it play in the street, but he wouldn’t really do that, would he? I don’t think he would, but in fairness, I didn’t think he’d lick my face when he threatened it the first time and as it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong (or disgusted) about that one. So I guess that leaves mowing the yard. I only see a few problems with this plan: 1.) It’s going to rain and the yard will be wet, 2.) I don’t know how to start the lawn mower, and 3.) I’m not entirely sure where we even keep the lawn mower.
Don’t panic - we can rally. I’m an intelligent, capable, self-sufficient lady. The good news is that by this point in the week, I will only have to occupy myself for two more nights.
Night #4: Watch movies and read a book
Okay, now you can panic. The only thing I hate more as a pastime than watching movies is reading a book. I love stories, but anything more than 40 minutes on the same topic becomes excruciating for me. I have far too many questions about movies, and am not satisfied until I have the answers to every plot and sub-plot, whether the movie shows us an ending or not. It’s my own personal ‘choose your own ending’ Hell. And books would be alright if I could pay attention that long, but my mind wanders. I read a paragraph about the main character’s ‘long and flowing red dress with small gold accents that complement her short auburn hair’ and I’m sent into a tailspin of digressions – how long is this red dress of hers? And isn’t it winter in Maine? She shouldn’t be wearing a ‘flowing’ dress if it is cold. Are the ‘small gold accents’ more like beading or are they cloth? Do they sparkle? At what point is hair defined ‘short’? I mean, I know a buzz cut is short and a braid to her feet is long, but what this author calls short, I might classify as medium length. And I wonder if her auburn hair is more red or more brown? I think probably red, but you don’t see redheads wearing a lot of red clothing, so maybe it is more brunette-colored. – By the time I catch myself asking all of these questions, I realize that I am 2 – 3 pages further along in the book and have no idea what I’ve just read, forcing me back to the last paragraph that I remember, and so it begins again.
So we might have to revisit Night #1’s agenda of cereal & tv – is that really so bad?? And that will bring us to one measly little night before I get Ryan back – I can definitely handle one night. And I’ll make sure I end things with a bang – it will be a story to tell for years!
Night #5: Girls night out and go to bed by 10pm
Sure, it may sound like a dichotomy, but these two goals are completely plausible. I’ll gather up my sisters, we’ll put on our dancing shoes, order a couple rounds of drinks, and swear each other to secrecy. You can take the girl out of Vegas, but you can’t take Vegas out of the girl! WOO – HOO! It will be after a long 4 days of work, so I’ll need to make sure the dancing shoes are comfortable ones, but that’s not hard…who of you has ever worn an uncomfortable pair of 5” heels? Well, I am a married woman who is nearly 30 – perhaps a sensible pair of wedges would be more appropriate. And it’s been a little while since I’ve been to a bar, so I’ll have to utilize google to help me find the hottest night club around. In Cedar Rapids. On a Thursday. At 6pm. Well, it doesn’t matter where we go – this family of women knows how to have a good time ANYWHERE – so what if it is in my basement around a folding table playing cards? It’s a girls night OUT for everyone besides me – which is 75% of the group. And it makes that 10pm bed time well within reach!
And with that, you have it – what my week without my husband will look like. Like with anything in life, there will be a few bumps in the road, but even after troubleshooting the list I’m still left with eating cereal for dinner, holding the tv remote, and going to bed right after the sun sets all week – pretty crazy shenanigans. And I’ve whined enough that my parents have agreed to stay with me while he’s gone, so my laundry is magically getting done and there will be freshly baked sweets daily. I’d rather have him here any day of the week, but I’m just saying - drowning my sorrows in Cap’n Crunch and The Real Housewives isn’t the worst consolation prize ever.
